herr God, herr Lucifer, beware, beware.

//

i am unwhole;
an all-consuming,
all-destroying,
pit.

gargantuan delights,
savour my home—
and spit her out again!

my biggest enemy is
myself, for i inflict
what i hate.

constantly aware of,
eyes & ears.

BLIND AND DEAF
i march on—

i can never have enough,
staying is starving.

/

i get so jealous—

it’s explosive,
corrosive.
LIKE AN ACID IN MY GUT!
so empty me,
lighten me up.

O, comfort my woes?

—-

i’m having this god awful realisation that, bar only a few pieces, my ‘poetry’ and writings are purely aeshthetic. i’m basing them off of emotions and scenarios that i’m either exagerating or fantasising completely and although this works for some it’s making me feel almost fake. so lately i have been trying to write about matters which are more real, and consequently i’ve written less ‘poetry’ and a lot more of my thoughts and although these don’t sound as good i think they’ll help me in the long run. i’m planning to write a book but as of yet i haven’t experienced any where near the amount of emotions and trials that i wish to write about and so i can’t start the book yet so these jottings and journals will help me in the future when i need to look back and remember just exactly how i was feeling on this date, or on that date.

i should write that on the 1st of june, 2011, i was feeling overwhelmingly limitless, i may finally begin changing my life at long last. wish me luck.

////

gonna start using my moleskine as a journal, i had originally planned to use it for my artwork but it’s so petite a space that i find it hard to work in but alas it’s outstandingly pretty and well my thoughts deserve a pretty place to rest.

////

as he spoke i suddenly felt very numb and very fragile, almost as if by ending it he was taking away the many futures i had planned for us. i felt robbed. my mind was hollow, my heart was hollow, hell even my bones felt hollow and with each crushing second that i stood there hoping that this was all just some big hoax or dream i was overcome with a sense of urgency - like the aching sadness was piling up on top of me and soon it would crush my hollow, hollow being.